Learning how to argue could help save your relationship. Photo / Getty Images
From slamming doors to fighting over garden weeds, our time together hasn’t always been the smoothest of paths.
At the time of writing this at 2.30pm, my partner Mike* and I have already had an argument. He thinks I cause arguments for the sake of it. I think I’m simply asking for something, I don’t even see it as an argument. I sit firmly in the camp of raising issues and talking them through.
Small things, like asking for confirmation of holiday dates or needing to leave for an event on time, can go from zero to 60 in seconds, and before you know it, names are being called or slammed doors. We’re both prone to becoming heated, things escalate, and then he loses his temper, sometimes saying things he doesn’t mean. Today’s argument was about the neighbours asking us to cut our trees back. He wants to leave it, I want to address it, cue: he said, she said, and we’re off.
Whenever my two grown-up kids are around, they leave the house somewhat messier than when they arrived. What kids don’t? Their clothes get strewn across their bedrooms, and dirty dishes pile up. I come from a chaotic, busy family, so for me, the detritus is expected, although not unnoticed. My partner grew up living with his mum and no one else, and things were very ordered, so I understand why it causes him distress.
Last time they visited, there was an argument. We try not to argue in front of the kids, so we have our angry conversations in desperate whispers, which makes everything more tense. In the end, he said he felt it was better that he went to his mum’s for a while, to avoid being around the disruption. It isn’t ideal, but at least he felt comfortable voicing his concerns, and it didn’t end up shouty and awful, or with bubbling resentment and silent treatment.
We’ve been together nearly eight years now. It does upset me that we can’t argue constructively after all these years together. And he gets upset and frustrated too. It’s definitely a problem. What I see as a discussion, he sees as an argument, and then tempers flare. We don’t seem to be able to talk things through calmly.
We actually split up at Christmas because we’d come to a place where it didn’t feel workable any more. The straw that broke the camel’s back was my family coming for a few days, and he said he didn’t want a load of strangers ransacking the house. We split up for a while, but there’s still a lot to fight for in the relationship. We’re trying to make it work. The arguments are different now than a couple of years ago. Not talking afterwards doesn’t last as long, and the heat seems to leave the situation more quickly.
I would prefer it if he was open to raising issues and talking them through – even difficult ones, you know, can get heated. I’ve always been OK about getting things out in the open. There’s something cathartic and just healthy about being honest and laying everything out. Maybe it’s because I grew up in the 1970s, seeing my parents having some blinders when I was little. Proper shouting wasn’t unusual, and the argument often ended with my dad slamming the door and going out to the pub. That’s not my style at all, and is what has probably made me want to face issues.
I’ve always been someone who prefers to bring grievances, rather than let them fester, but the types of arguments have been different in every one of my relationships. There was one relationship where there were very few cross words. Another where we’d get on like a house on fire, and then immediately, it would feel like we were the house on fire. Shouting, raging, walking off, slamming doors; we couldn’t seem to find a good balance. Then, we were both dealing with teenage children and pressures from work. It sometimes felt like I was nailing jelly to the wall and couldn’t get to the root of what the problem actually was.
Mike and I are currently in “discussions” about how we can argue better. And I’m noticing a difference. The other day, an argument arose about the kids drinking the beers in the fridge and not replacing them. Historically, this would have ended in raging and days of silent treatment, but when it came up, I stopped the conversation, said I needed a few minutes, then I typed a text instead to try and reduce the heat out of the situation. Brilliantly, it actually worked.
It would really help if we knew how to deal with the conflict better and talk it through, but we’re not all as equipped as we could be. Dr Monika Wieliczko, a chartered clinical psychologist believes that if couples were taught how to handle arguments, it would have saved many marriages. “Conflicts in relationships are normal and unavoidable since we are dealing with two people with different sets of needs and expectations. Therefore, being in a relationship requires reaching a compromise. Argument is nothing but a process we go through to reach the middle ground.”
One of the biggest problems I’ve had in relationships is that we both feel like we’re being attacked by the other. For instance, Mike might bring up that I didn’t stay in the garden long enough to help him do the weeding. I would say that I did some time out there, then went to prepare dinner, or else we would have both been in the garden until 6pm with nothing to eat. Both of us think we are right, and that the other is “having a go” unnecessarily.
Reassuringly, Wieliczko says this breakdown of communication is common. “Often, we perceive partners asserting their needs as an attack. Then that triggers a defensive response, which might feel dismissive to the side that raised an issue. This leads to a gradual withdrawal. As time goes by, the build-up of resentment erodes trust and closeness.”
Wieliczko also points out that – as with most psychological matters – how you argue as a couple is closely linked to the differences in how you were brought up. That certainly rings true in my current relationship. While my family were never afraid to bring up an issue, I think my partner’s family tended to push things down and expect it would sort itself out, often leaving everyone dissatisfied.
“Some people avoid communicating their needs because they learnt as children that adults rarely make them feel safe and secure, and are more likely to avoid arguments in their relationships. Their aloofness is likely to make the other side feel insecure. Stereotypically, we’re more likely to see this among men.”
My ex-boyfriend often wouldn’t say how uncomfortable he felt with me going out with a certain group of people. Or if I wanted to stay over a few nights, he would just say it was fine, when he didn’t really feel that way. Then he would give me the silent treatment or not be very nice when I got back. I felt alone and misunderstood, and this just pushed us further apart.
This is why I utterly believe that facing issues, even with disagreements, is a necessary part of a relationship, and that shying away from them is a bad sign. It’s not a coincidence that several times I’ve had to look at the back of partners’ heads as they walk away from the relationship, slamming the door because they’ve not asked for what they want.
Wieliczko says: “What we often see behind the mask of a conflict-free relationship is an avoidance of real emotional intimacy. Both sides do not understand each other’s points of view and think that the only way to maintain the relationship is to protect it from conflicts. But this comes at a cost to the quality of their relationship and leads to emotional detachment and eventual collapse of the relationship. If you can’t argue properly, you are also likely to struggle to experience passion and emotional closeness.”
Mike and I are really working on how uncomfortable it is at times and seeing how we can make it better. Bringing what we need, however difficult, is going to be a part of that process. And there are probably going to be a few arguments.
As Wieliczko says: “Arguments are healthy and a necessary part of any relationship; however, the problem is that many couples don’t know how to have constructive arguments that bring them closer rather than driving them apart.” So, if you recognise any of the above, it’s not the end of the world, and there are ways we can get to a better place.
1. Take responsibility for communicating your emotions
Rather than blaming the other side, begin a sentence by addressing your emotional states: “I felt rejected/hurt/ dismissed when you said you don’t have time to talk,” instead of “You’re never here when I need you”.
2. Remember: there are two points of view
This might seem obvious, but it’s easy to forget in the heat of the moment that there are two sides to every argument. And that the other might be equally valid, even when you feel very hurt by what the other person has said.
3. Make sure you understand each other
Take some time to listen to what the other person said and check your understanding with them rather than assuming that you know what they are saying. You might be surprised how often we misunderstand other people’s intentions.
4. Ask for clarification
If your feelings are running hot, try taking a moment to pause, acknowledge your feelings openly and then ask the other person to clarify what they mean.
5. Take a break
Agree that when one of you chooses to take time out, they will be responsible for coming back to a conversation later on when they feel more emotionally ready to talk.
6. Find a resolution
Do not let things fester unresolved for too long. Even if you can’t reach a resolution, keep coming back to the conversation.
7. You both should feel seen
Most arguments get resolved when both parties feel seen and their emotions acknowledged.
8. Try couples therapy
Couples therapy can be an effective way of building relational skills and learning how to have constructive arguments. Unfortunately, many couples seek therapy when it is too late to save the relationship.
*Names have been changed*
Ideal for morning or afternoon tea, served with greek yoghurt and berries.